Whatever is in Your Heart...

I've had a rough start to the New Year and was seriously contemplating starting it over on Monday. Although that's not really possible, one can dream I suppose. I felt sick yesterday, probably because of New Year's Eve junk food, and I just didn't get the start on the New Year that I wanted too. I felt a little lonely too, and even lonelier this morning when Jon left for Georgia on business.

Going to Church was hard today. I'm not going to say that I almost didn't go, because that's not true. The moment I thought, "I don't want to go to Church today" I thought again, "then you should probably go." I was grumpy and less put together than a normal Sunday, but I didn't want to continue the awful start to 2011 by not going to Church.

I sat next to my cousins and their kids like we usually do. Jon wasn't there, so I wasn't going to sit by myself. They were noisy and distracting as usual and it bothered me at first. I was trying to pay attention and listen to everyone's testimonies. Then Colten tapped me on the shoulder and said "I want to go up and bear my testimony, but I don't know what to say." I looked over at him and smiled. "Well," I said, "just say what you believe; whatever is in your heart." He then looked straight ahead and started mumbling to himself, no doubt practicing whatever it was he wanted to say. Then he looked over at me nervously. I asked him if he wanted me to go up with him, and sure enough he did. We stood up together and walked up to the podium.

As he spoke, tears came to my eyes and I wished that I didn't have to follow him. He said, "I'd like to bear my testimony. I know the Church is true, and I know that Jesus is my Savior. I know that my family loves me, and I love them. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen." He then went and sat down next to his family and it was my turn. I don't remember what I said exactly, but I do recall stating my knowlege of the same things that Colten did, and expressing gratitude for my Savior and family. I closed my testimony and sat down next to my cousin.

I had expressed what I knew to be true, and what was in my heart, and it felt wonderful. I enjoyed the rest of Church that day, and even the rest of my Sunday. A 9 year old boy did indeed teach me a lesson about faith and testimonies. He kept it simple, yet still expressed exactly what he felt and knew. I hope we can all be like Colten. I know that his testimony touched many hearts today, including mine.

May the rest of 2011 hold as much hope and faith as today did for me.

Did you think to pray?

It has been awhile since I posted. I guess sometimes life gets in the way and you don't even realize that something is missing. That's kind of what this post is about.

I've spent a lot of Sundays thinking I should write a post, and then getting caught up in something else and missing my opportunity. Today is different. Today I need to post for my own sanity, and to get some things off my chest.

My husband has to live away from me right now because I'm in graduate school and he has a job in another state. We don't live terribly far apart, but we are both incredibly busy, and so we don't get to see each other very often. He was able to spend the better part of three weeks with me at the end of August on a business trip, and it was wonderful for him to be here. Last Thursday, September 2nd, he left to go back home. That night I decided I needed something to get me through the next three months without him.

I have never been very good about praying. I do it pretty much every day, but I'm not consistent. Sometimes it happens as I drive to school or work, or even at school or work. Sometimes it happens randomly when I'm having a hard day, or when I'm feeling especially appreciative. That night I knelt by my bed and prayed. I made sure to express thanks most of all because, although I was feeling very needy with my husband gone, I knew I needed to remember the good and wonderful things in my life. I went to sleep that night and made it a goal to pray every morning and every night, even if it's just for a quick few moments, so that I can build consistent more meaningful prayers and become closer to my Father in Heaven.

Friday passed and I made my goal. So did Saturday and Sunday. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday...I was determined not to miss. Then things in my life started to go a little crazy. Thursday afternoon I was pulled over by a police officer and received an expensive ticket. It was my first ticket in about 3 years. Friday I had an appointment in a town 45 minutes away to discuss my student teaching that I'll be completing this spring. I drove all the way there only to be informed that the person I was supposed to meet with had left for the afternoon. I had just about had it with my life, and though I prayed those days too, my prayers were filled with tears, frustration and questions of "why me?" Yesterday, the stress of it all had finally eaten up my energy. I barely made it through the day and by the end I was completely exhausted. I didn't want to deal with any of it.

Today, I thought, will be better. I slept in and had to leave the house rushed. I had forgotten to pray... I said a quick prayer in the car on the way to church, but I was sad that I had missed my morning routine. Church went well and I almost left without anything going wrong, but bad things always come in threes. My primary director pulled me aside after class and informed me that they had called a couple to work in the primary. I teach the 3-4 year old class and since my husband was no longer here to teach with me, they thought it would be better if the younger class had two teachers and if I taught an older class. I agreed to make the switch, though my heart was crushed. This wasn't really a bad thing, it wasn't the end of the world, but I loved my kids and I knew I would miss them.

I held back my tears till I got to my car, and then, for the 3rd or 4th time this week I cried. I'm not very skilled at saying goodbye, and not very good with change, and I mourned the loss of these children I had spent more than 2 years of my life teaching. I knew that it would be okay, that I would love teaching the older kids too, but I didn't want to let them go. I start teaching my new class next week.

I have learned something important from this week. Since I had just started my goal of consistent prayer earlier in the week, it felt like God was punishing me for my desire to pray more. That seemed silly to me, because the God I know would rejoice in my desire to pray, not punish me for it. I struggled with this over the weekend, but today while I sat in my room, trying desperately to stop crying, I realized that I had needed those prayers.

Sometimes our Heavenly Father helps us out a little more than we think. I had made that goal to start praying because somewhere inside of me knew that I would need the comfort and the warmth that prayer would bring me. I guess I just didn't realize I would need it so quickly. I'm just so grateful that I saw the need for prayer in my life before all these things started to happen.

I'll be continuing to try and pray morning, night, and at random times throughout my day. I'll learn to be more grateful for the good things in my life, and maybe next time, when the waves come, I'll be more prepared for that splash of cold water on my face. I still won't like it, but at least I'll have something to help me through.

Spiritual Transformation

There are lots of things we can do as children of God to become more like him, or in other words, "spiritually transformed." But what does that really mean? When I was younger, I thought there would be a time when I would reach my limit, where I would eventually have nothing left to perfect and I would be like God, but I realized that we are always going to be working towards that, and I believe that we will never stop progressing, even God is still progressing, and the absence of that progression, that is our own personal hell.

In church the other day, someone was giving a talk about this very topic, progression. He said something that really stuck with me. In so many words, this man said that it's not about how close we get to perfection in this life, it's more about how much effort we put it. We must always be constantly trying to perfect something in our lives, whether it's reading scriptures every day and praying fervently, or paying tithing and going to church.

If I decided today that I can stop trying to reach perfection just because I do most things right, doesn't mean that I can't improve. I might go to church every week, go to the Temple every month, pay my tithing faithfully, read my scriptures and pray daily, but that doesn't mean that there isn't something I can improve on.

I believe a "spiritual transformation" happens consistently throughout our lives, and there are always times when we need to do another check on our spirituality. I hope that I'm constantly changing things about myself that need to be changed, because, let's face it, there is always something I can improve on, something I can be better at. If there's something that the Prophet can do better, then I can do better too.

That they might have JOY...

I created this blog to give myself a more creative outlet to share my spiritual thoughts. Though others may or may not read it, I find that really this is for me, and for my own spiritual growth.

Today I'm thinking a lot about my best friend Shelby. She leaves tomorrow to report to the Missionary Training Center in Provo Utah, and then will serve for 18 months in the Russia Moscow West Mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I'm so excited for her and for the growth that she will have serving the Lord Jesus Christ. My friend Kimee is also leaving for the Brazil Manus Mission, and she reports to Brazil in August.

It has really been an eye opener for me, seeing these two wonderful people set their hearts on giving their time and talents and 18 months of their lives to the Lord. I myself wanted to do that very thing, but I decided to get married instead. :) I don't regret that, not at all. That was my path in life, and this is theirs.

For Shelby's birthday, I bought her a book by C.S. Lewis (him being one of my favorite authors as well as one of hers). It is a compilation of his writings on Heaven, called "Made for Heaven: And Why on Earth it Matters." I bought myself a copy as well, knowing that I would also enjoy it. In this book, Lewis quotes a favorite scripture of mine. Romans 8:18 - "For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that shall be revealed in us." I've always loved this scripture, because it puts everything into perspective.

Shelby, being a convert to the church, has had a rough time from her family. Getting baptized was a hard decision for her, but as she recently said, the best decision. I also believe that she has made another "best decision" by going to serve the Lord in Russia. Through all the trials she's had to face, I know, and I know that she knows, that it's all worth it, for the glory which will be revealed in her.

However hard it may be to pass through this life, the trials that we all have, each unique to us but each difficult in their own way, we will soon be glorified for it. In her farewell talk today, my best friend quoted one of her favorite scriptures. 2 Nephi 2:25 - "Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy." The emphasis on "joy" of course has been added. I find this extremely telling. Our Father in Heaven wants us to have joy, he wants us to be eternally happy, and it's not just in the next life that we can feel that happiness, it is NOW. We can have joy now, and isn't that what everyone wants?

Shelby posed a question a few weeks ago when we went to the temple together, she asked "Why is it that we put such an emphasis on preaching the gospel, other than that we're commanded to, when everyone will have a chance to hear it in the next life?" She then answered her own question with this scripture. It is all about being happy, and being happy now. I keep thinking about all the people I know and love. What if I decided not to share the gospel with them? What if I decided that they wouldn't accept it now and I'd be embarrased or ruin my relationship with them? I wouldn't be damning them by any means, but I just imagine them finding me in the eternities and saying, "Why didn't you tell me sooner! I could have had this joy all along!" That is why we preach the gospel.

So, in conclusion, good luck my friends. Please know that I love and admire and respect you both. You are an inspiriation to me and I'm so happy for the people of Russia and Brazil, that they have two of the best sisters in the church to teach them about the restored gospel of Jesus Christ. You will both be missed, but your service is so much more appreciated than anyone can say. I love you.