It has been awhile since I posted. I guess sometimes life gets in the way and you don't even realize that something is missing. That's kind of what this post is about.
I've spent a lot of Sundays thinking I should write a post, and then getting caught up in something else and missing my opportunity. Today is different. Today I need to post for my own sanity, and to get some things off my chest.
My husband has to live away from me right now because I'm in graduate school and he has a job in another state. We don't live terribly far apart, but we are both incredibly busy, and so we don't get to see each other very often. He was able to spend the better part of three weeks with me at the end of August on a business trip, and it was wonderful for him to be here. Last Thursday, September 2nd, he left to go back home. That night I decided I needed something to get me through the next three months without him.
I have never been very good about praying. I do it pretty much every day, but I'm not consistent. Sometimes it happens as I drive to school or work, or even at school or work. Sometimes it happens randomly when I'm having a hard day, or when I'm feeling especially appreciative. That night I knelt by my bed and prayed. I made sure to express thanks most of all because, although I was feeling very needy with my husband gone, I knew I needed to remember the good and wonderful things in my life. I went to sleep that night and made it a goal to pray every morning and every night, even if it's just for a quick few moments, so that I can build consistent more meaningful prayers and become closer to my Father in Heaven.
Friday passed and I made my goal. So did Saturday and Sunday. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday...I was determined not to miss. Then things in my life started to go a little crazy. Thursday afternoon I was pulled over by a police officer and received an expensive ticket. It was my first ticket in about 3 years. Friday I had an appointment in a town 45 minutes away to discuss my student teaching that I'll be completing this spring. I drove all the way there only to be informed that the person I was supposed to meet with had left for the afternoon. I had just about had it with my life, and though I prayed those days too, my prayers were filled with tears, frustration and questions of "why me?" Yesterday, the stress of it all had finally eaten up my energy. I barely made it through the day and by the end I was completely exhausted. I didn't want to deal with any of it.
Today, I thought, will be better. I slept in and had to leave the house rushed. I had forgotten to pray... I said a quick prayer in the car on the way to church, but I was sad that I had missed my morning routine. Church went well and I almost left without anything going wrong, but bad things always come in threes. My primary director pulled me aside after class and informed me that they had called a couple to work in the primary. I teach the 3-4 year old class and since my husband was no longer here to teach with me, they thought it would be better if the younger class had two teachers and if I taught an older class. I agreed to make the switch, though my heart was crushed. This wasn't really a bad thing, it wasn't the end of the world, but I loved my kids and I knew I would miss them.
I held back my tears till I got to my car, and then, for the 3rd or 4th time this week I cried. I'm not very skilled at saying goodbye, and not very good with change, and I mourned the loss of these children I had spent more than 2 years of my life teaching. I knew that it would be okay, that I would love teaching the older kids too, but I didn't want to let them go. I start teaching my new class next week.
I have learned something important from this week. Since I had just started my goal of consistent prayer earlier in the week, it felt like God was punishing me for my desire to pray more. That seemed silly to me, because the God I know would rejoice in my desire to pray, not punish me for it. I struggled with this over the weekend, but today while I sat in my room, trying desperately to stop crying, I realized that I had needed those prayers.
Sometimes our Heavenly Father helps us out a little more than we think. I had made that goal to start praying because somewhere inside of me knew that I would need the comfort and the warmth that prayer would bring me. I guess I just didn't realize I would need it so quickly. I'm just so grateful that I saw the need for prayer in my life before all these things started to happen.
I'll be continuing to try and pray morning, night, and at random times throughout my day. I'll learn to be more grateful for the good things in my life, and maybe next time, when the waves come, I'll be more prepared for that splash of cold water on my face. I still won't like it, but at least I'll have something to help me through.
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